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Blue Skies and Hot Air? Dow up +936.42

Sea of Green for Wall Street on Columbus Day

The nation's bond market is closed today, as well as all banks, in observance of the Columbus Day holiday. The stock markets were open.

Wall Street Rallied today, sending the Dow Jones Industrial Average up 936 points, its biggest-ever point gain, the biggest one-day percentage advance -- 11% -- the biggest single-day stock rally since the Great Depression -- since March, 1933.

No one is saying the worst is over for the troubled economy, but buyers have returned to the stock market scooping up stocks at fire-sale prices.

Will tomorrow be a follow through day? Will traders sell into the rally? Surely better days are coming...just not so fast.

After the Black Monday crash of October 1987, it took the Dow until August 1989 to set a new all-time closing high, almost two years after its previous peak. The 1987 crash took stocks down 36 percent from their pick — comparable to the 40 percent decline in this round of turmoil.

The recovery from the 1929 crash was more difficult, and spanned a quarter century.

The market is bouncing back based on government intervention--look-out below!

Wall Street still has plenty to worry about, a housing market that is still groping for a low point in prices and shoppers who are spooked by job losses and other ominous economic signs and are cutting back on their spending.

Is this the bottom? Is this a bear market rally? It was the smartest guys in the room that got us to this point so why would we continue to follow their advice.

Beware of anyone who says they can spot a bottom.

The Dow closed today at 9,387.61. I've already heard too many people say "the bottom is in". If you feel lucky go for it. Just remember these are the same people that said the bottom was in before the crash. More hot air.

Sarah-Palin-Newsweek-cover-touchup: (What's the problem?)

Before

After

Newsweek is responding to criticism over its October 13 cover, featuring a close-up shot of Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, with a statement defending the photo choice.

The statement reads as follows: “Nigel Parry’s compelling portrait of Gov. Sarah Palin was shot and cropped so we could see clearly into her eye and be engaged by her smile. Gov. Palin and Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) were photographed exclusively for Newsweek on August 29 and the portrait used on this weeks’ cover is from that session. As a news magazine, it is not our policy to cosmetically retouch the photography we publish; accordingly, we have not retouched the cover photos of Sen. Barack Obama or Sen. McCain.”

Fox News Channel anchor Megyn Kelly said this week: “When they put you up close and personal on a magazine, even the most gorgeous supermodels in the world, they retouch you to get rid of the normal flaws that human being have. That’s what they do in the magazine business. [Newsweek] didn’t do it for Gov. Palin.”

What's the problem?

The Foxes are in the henhouse again...Fox News' Megyn Kelly and Republican media consultant Andrea Tantaros want to alter [your] Reality!



The Ridiculous Newsweek Cover Kerfuffle

Okay so let me get this straight: Conservatives are up in arms because a photo wasn't retouched? Hm. Let's just state for the record that we're in crazyland at the outset.



Oh ya, here's the article from Newsweek:

The Palin Problem

Yes, she won the debate by not imploding. But governing requires knowledge, and mindless populism is just that—mindless.

Jon Meacham
NEWSWEEK
From the magazine issue dated Oct 13, 2008

U.S. Stocks Drop in Rollercoaster Day; Dow Swings 1,000 Points; Week Closes at 8,451.19

The Dow Jones Industrial Average ended down by 127 points after swinging in a range of more than 1,000 points for the first time in its history, bringing one of the most turbulent weeks in financial history to a fittingly volatile conclusion, closing the week at 8,451.19.

Are you 'Crash Proof'? Dow closes down 8579.19 -678.91

Crash-Proof: How to Profit From the Coming
Economic Collapse

Congress Charges Commission
by John Browne

Faced with an imminent financial meltdown and a looming depression, one might have expected Congress, inspired with a rush of patriotism, to have stepped vigorously to the plate to pass Paulson’s rescue package without delay.

Instead, Congress delayed, causing increased market panic before eventually doing the deed. But, in doing so, they had the nerve to demand their own ‘commission’ of over $100 billion dollars of ‘pork barrel’ add-ons, or over 15 percent of the total package. These extras will simply be added to the tab charged to the American taxpayer! So much for the end of ear-marks.

The latest episode is simply the culmination of a generation of Congressional mismanagement.

Over the past 30 years, Congress has inexorably steered the American economy away from production and savings toward reckless consumption and borrowing. The result of Congressionally-created incentives is an economy where personal consumption now accounts for some 72 percent of GDP.

Congress has failed miserably in its responsibility to oversee the Fed and the Treasury, the two entities that gave birth to the sub-prime catastrophe. Indeed, it was the Clinton led Congress that encouraged Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac to expand its mortgage lending among low and moderate income earners.

Lending to consumers of modest means and marginal credit was the centerpiece of the Government’s efforts to enrich the electorate with real estate wealth. This misguided lending is the root of the current real estate led financial fiasco.

Congressional approval of Paulson’s Emergency Stabilization Act will, at least temporarily, improve both the liquidity and solvency of Wall Street, easing the credit markets that are vital to American and world economic growth.

But what of American householders and consumers? According to Yale Professor Robert Schiller, foreclosures are running at the rate of 10,000 a day! The cumulative distress level of those affected is hard to imagine.

Regardless of Paulson’s plan, America is leading the world economy towards deep recession and even depression. Governments around the world are beginning a globally coordinated effort to issue increasing amounts of low cost ‘Monopoly’ money to avoid a politically expensive downturn. But then, what of the value of money? What of gold?

The current real estate led financial fiasco was founded on a massive level of U.S. dollar liquidity. Leveraged to the hilt, holders of dollars scoured the Earth to find any U.S. dollar asset that offered a high yield. In this quest, risk became an increasingly minor concern.

The pain resulting from the massive deleveraging of investments that have proven to be far riskier than nearly anyone imagined, is too great for politicians to bear. Therefore, instead of allowing a natural economic correction to take place, governments are authorizing their central banks to flood the world with yet more liquidity. Meanwhile they talk inflation down in order to secure wiggle room to lower interest rates. It is like trying to extinguish a fire with gasoline!

We are seeing a collapse of faith in financial institutions. Sooner or later, we will see a massive wave of inflation and a similar collapse of faith in paper currencies. Then, gold, the ultimate currency, will have its day in the sun.

At present, gold is being pushed and pulled in two directions. First, the threat of recession, and even of depression, is exerting major downward pressure. But, at the same time, the fear of a financial meltdown is pushing it up. As a result, Gold is essentially hovering, but is showing a slight upward trend.

It is likely that the massive actions taken this week by the Fed, Treasury, and central banks the world over will lessen today’s panic. At the same time, as recession deepens there will be increasing demands for cash. In common with most commodities, gold may experience temporary erosion of price; at worst down to $600 an ounce.

However, inflation and a progressive erosion of faith in paper money will push gold into a relatively new, but historic role as the ultimate money. This has not happened in sophisticated economies since the 1930’s. When it finally occurs, look for an explosion in the price.

Conservative investors should maintain a core holding of hard currency treasury bonds and gold. In addition, they should accumulate further gold holdings on major recession-induced price dips and await, with some sense of comfort, the ultimate collapse of paper currencies.

For a more in depth analysis of our financial problems and the inherent dangers they pose for the U.S. economy and U.S. dollar denominated investments, read Peter Schiff's book “Crash Proof: How to Profit from the Coming Economic Collapse.”

A provocative and insightful examination of our difficult economic future and what investors can do to protect their wealth.

The economic tipping point for the United States is no longer theoretical. It is a reality today. The country has gone from the world’s largest creditor to its greatest debtor; the value of the dollar is sinking; domestic manufacturing is winding down–and these trends don’t seem to be slowing.

Peter Schiff casts a sharp, clear-sighted eye on these factors and explains what the possible effects may be and how investors can protect themselves. For more than a decade, Schiff has not only observed the U.S. economy, but also helped his clients reposition their portfolios to reflect his outlook. What he sees is a nation facing an economic storm brought on by growing federal, personal, and corporate debt, too-little savings, a declining dollar, and lack of domestic manufacturing.

Crash-Proof is an informed and informative warning of a looming period marked by sizeable tax hikes, loss of retirement benefits, double digit inflation, even–as happened recently in Argentina–the possible collapse of the middle class. However, Schiff does have a survival plan that can provide the protection that readers will need in the coming years.

Click here to buy it now from Amazon.com. Or, buy it at your local bookstore.

What's that you say? Dow 8...

DOW MAY HIT 8,750
FEDERAL RESCUE TEAM IS PUSHING ON A STRING

Written by Paul Tharp

Investors suffering from five-straight days of global economic turmoil are searching for relief at the bottom of the black hole of Wall Street stocks - possibly at a floor of 8,750 on the Dow Jones industrial average.

"Stocks continue to go down because the economy is such a mess, no matter how the government tries to prop up failed companies," said Peter Schiff, president of Euro-Pacific Capital.

While some traders see the daily selloffs as a sign that a bottom is in sight and a rally is within reach, it's the absolute floor on which many of the gloomiest are now focused.

"A Dow at 8,750 is possible but we can still go lower. The market is still trying to rein in all the excesses," said Schiff, who correctly predicted the current multi-faceted crisis in a 2007 best-seller.

The market rout has now wiped out as much as one-third of the value of stocks since their highs of last October.

Mad Money Moron

CRAMER-COME-LATELY PUTS THE 'BULL' IN BULL MARKET

Written by John Crudele

JIM CRAMER had a big helping of crow for breakfast yesterday.

The loudmouth host of CNBC's "Mad Money" frantically told investors before Wall Street opened yesterday to take their money out of the stock market.

But he forgot to apologize for telling them the exact opposite for the past year - a time when the value of their stockholdings declined by an astounding one-third.

No wonder financial cable network CNBC puts a disclaimer on the screen every time Cramer speaks - which, in essence, is really dissing Cramer since the station wants no part of his predictions.

The former Wall Street hedge fund manager, who is proudly touted by CNBC as one of the sharpest minds on Wall Street, wasn't dressed in a costume like he often is on his own show.

And he even left behind all the silly sound effects when he told host Ann Curry of the "Today" show on sister station NBC that "I thought about this all weekend . . . Whatever money you may need for the next five years, please take it out of the stock market right now, this week."

That's nice, Jim. But you are 12 months too late!

Cramer now seems to believe that the stock market could suffer a 20 percent decline from current prices.

That warning came only after it was obvious from action in foreign financial markets that Wall Street was headed for another rough week. The Dow Jones industrials didn't disappoint, with a drop of 370 points yesterday. It had been down 800 points during the session.

Stock prices are already down 30 percent over the past year - during which time Cramer was the loudest of the stock market's defenders.

Right here at The Post we issued that same warning just weeks before stocks began their descent. And just to reinforce that - correct - view, we again alerted readers to market dangers right before all hell broke loose in the banking system last month.

No disclaimer.

Cramer is probably best known for his impassioned on-air plea last August for the Federal Reserve to start cutting interest rates. The Fed did cut rates. And Cramer came off as some sort of hero on the air, although the Fed was really acting at the behest of a White House whose party was seeking re-election.

But if Cramer wants some credit for starting the rate cuts, he can have it. The move was an utter failure and interest rates to people like home buyers have risen even as the Fed was supposedly reducing borrowing costs.

Cramer's stock market calls have been spoofed in YouTube videos and are fodder for bloggers.

"Lest we forget," wrote one blogger, "Cramer announced the end of the housing crisis some time ago (I've got street creds, he said). He also predicted 14,500 for the Dow in '07. The man is a shameless advertisement for his own products, books, TV show, etc."

Wrote another: "I have studied Jim Cramer's main recommendations for one year. Conclusion: He is absolutely the best contrarian indicator I have come across in over 25 years of investing."

In other words, bet against Cramer.

The Plunger Team

THE 75-MINUTE MARKET RESCUE

Writen by John Crudele

TRUMPETS were blar ing when the Plunge Protection Team came to the rescue of the stock market in the final hour yesterday.

It was something right out of an old John Ford western.

OK, I can't really prove that Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson directed the PPT - formally known as the President's Working Group on Financial Markets - to bail out the stock market.

But how else do you explain how the Dow Jones industrial average could be down a nerve wracking 800 points just 75 minutes before the close of trading and end with a loss of "just" 369 points?

Huh! Explain that to me.

There were no major news events to cause the turnaround. Nothing from Paulson, or the White House, or the Federal Reserve - although people are still hoping for another wrongheaded interest-rate cut from Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke.

And does anyone really believe the nonsense spewed on television about how investors - beaten into submission all day long - suddenly rose from the dead and saw a buying opportunity? These "bottom fishers" were supposed to be willing to load up on stocks even though there is a good possibility that the panic selling will continue overnight in Europe. Doesn't make sense.

When the hair-raising day was complete the Dow was just under the psychologically important support level of 10,000, closing at 9,955.50.

It's a miracle!



Let me explain to you about the Plunge Protection Team, aka The President's Working Group.

Its role has always been nebulous, although it is the perfect organization to direct operations to rescue a falling stock market.

At the same time the government was giving birth to the PPT, Robert Heller was departing as governor of the Fed. Soon afterwards Heller proposed in a speech that was later published in The Wall Street Journal that the Fed be allowed to rig the stock market in times of crisis through the purchase of stock index futures contracts. (Go look it up if you don't believe me.)

They were better, he argued, than the Fed flooding the financial system with money and creating inflation havoc - exactly what Bernanke has been doing.

I'm not even saying it was wrong for the government to intervene in the stock market. So why not yesterday at precisely 2:45 p.m. when stocks were crashing?

But the more important topic for today is this: why has Wall Street turned on the bailout plan that Congress worked so hard on?

But the answer is simple: the plan is a stupid attempt at a trickle-down rescue.

Feeling relieved, financial institutions are now supposed to start lending money and the benefits of the bailout will trickle down to regular folks.

Ain't gonna happen quick enough, for a lot of reasons. Washington should have just chucked a lot of money into banks and told them to start lending.

Dow Jones industrial average of leading US shares has fallen below the 10,000 mark for the first time in four years.

The US financial markets were on the brink of a record-breaking slump today as Wall Street reacted to signs that the credit crunch is spiralling out of control to threaten the stability of economies around the globe.

In six business days, the Dow has slumped by nearly 11% and prices are 30% below their peak, reached in October 2007.

On Wall Street, banks suffered a severe sell-off and there was bad news after the market closed as Bank of America revealed a 68% drop in profits.

Wall Street's tumble was part of an international epidemic.

Trading was halted at stockmarkets in Russia, Brazil and Peru.

The issues are worldwide. People are scared and the only thing they're doing is selling.

Remembering 1975

FORD TO CITY: DROP DEAD
Bankruptcy of New York City government and the refusal of President Gerald Ford to give financial assistance to the city prompted this headline in 1975.

As Mayor (1977 to 1989), Ed Koch is credited with restoring fiscal stability to the City of New York, and placing the City on a budget balanced according to generally accepted accounting principles (GAAP).

His catch-phrase as Mayor was "How'm I doing?" When walking down the street, he would often use that question as a greeting to the people he talked to.

SNL nails it again! C-Span Bailout! More real than real!

I can't believe SNL has pulled this video! Why? Why? Why do they do this? The only thing I can think of, is someone got to them. This skit hits right at the heart of the sub-prime bailout fiasco, and someone didn't like that! The truth hurts. Hopefully SNL will get past this and put it back online.

Well, okay...it's back, and that's a good thing (but).

Mystery Of That Missing SNL Bailout Skit Solved: NBC.com Took It Down For Legal Reasons; Has Put Up Edited Version Today

UPDATE: The newly edited by NBC "Bailout" skit that ran on SNL is live online now.

Here is the full transcript of SNL's C-Span Bailout skit.

Announcer: Next on C-SPAN, President Bush, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, and Congressman Barney Frank appeared earlier today at a joint press conference to comment on the financial bailout measure just passed by Congress.

Bush: Good afternoon. On Friday, this Congress was able to put aside its differences and come together in the bipartisan spirit to pass legislation that was absolutely vital to ensure world confidence in our financial markets and prevent a collapse of credit which would have had a catastrophic effect on our economy. Approving this bill was the right thing to do and I commend our legislators for their actions. Speaker Pelosi.

Pelosi: Thank you, Mr. President. I, too, applaud Congress for this vote and add that without your vote, this bill might well have failed. Even though this crisis was 100 percent the fault of your administration and it’s insane economic policies. And though I’m sure you’ll agree, you will go down in history as our worst president ever. This one time, you did manage to not screw things up and I wanna acknowledge that.

Bush: Thank you, Madame Speaker. I was glad to do it.

Frank: Let me add, Mr. President, I was also pleased to see that for the first time during your eight years in office and possibly your entire life, you were able to demonstrate leadership, not to mention simple human decency.

Bush: You bet, you bet.

Pelosi: Let’s not forget, Mr. President, that it was the Democrats that first sounded the alarm about the risky mortgage loans that Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac were encouraging and that your party resisted all our efforts to rein them in.

Bush: W-w-w-w-ait. Wasn’t it my administration that warned about the problem six years ago? And it was the Democrats that refused to listen?!

Pelosi: What? Who told you that? That’s crazy. It was completely the other way around.

Frank: Actually. This time, he’s sort of right.

Pelosi: Shhh! Don’t say anything. He doesn’t know. Now, there was another point we wanted to make here and you are welcome to stay.

Bush: Thank you. I’d like that.

Pelosi: Back there would be better.

Bush: No problem.

Pelosi: In the past few weeks, this debate has focused on the wisdom of government intervention in the housing markets. What hasn’t been talked about is that behind every home foreclosure, there is a story of real suffering by real Americans. People who, but for the grace of God, could be you or your neighbors. And today, we’d like to introduce you to some of them.
Michael McCune and Jerome Gant, two ordinary Americans whose only crime was to play by the rules and who now find themselves facing eviction from their homes.
Please tell us your story.

Michael: Uh, well, to start. I still don’t understand how this happened to me. I mean, I fit all the requirements for a subprime mortgage. Uh, no credit history.

Jerome: Same here.

Michael: No job.

Jerome: Me neither.

Michael: Minor criminal record.

Jerome: Ditto.

Michael: Dishonorable discharge from the Army.

Jerome: Yeah, I got mine right here.

Michael: Uh, drug problems.

Jerome: Me, too.

Michael: Uh, alcohol problems.

Jerome: Guilty as charged.

Michael: Gambling addiction.

Jerome: Yeah.

Michael: Pregnant girlfriend — actually, two pregnant girlfriends.

Jerome: Just the one.

Michael: Well, I was talked into a balloon mortgage. Where you move into the house. And then you get to live in it. And you don’t have to, like, pay money or anything to the bank. But then later, you do.

Jerome: Yeah, what up with dat?

Michael: I mean, you could say I’m a double victim, since I never had a job and now I don’t have a home!

Jerome: Well, I’m a triple victim, because now I’ve been charged with arson for allegedly setting fire to the house they evicted me from.

Pelosi: You are both in our thoughts. (Hugs Michael. Won’t hug Jerome.)

Pelosi: This is Greg Phillips and his wife, Judy. How did the housing collapse affect you?

Greg: My wife and I bought two dozen time-share condos which we heavily mortgaged in order to flip them 6 months later for triple the purchase price and then the real estate market tanked.

Pelosi: And you were doing this through…

Judy: Misrepresentation.

Pelosi: No, I meant, did you do this out of your home…

Judy: Out of greed.

Greg: Yes, out of greed.

Pelosi: And now, with the real estate market down, you’re stuck with two dozen time-share condos that you can’t sell…

Judy: Unless we can sell them for, like, 10 percent more than we paid.

Pelosi: So, you can’t make your mortgage payments.

Greg: Not without selling the boat. Or putting off essential cosmetic surgery.

Pelosi: And who is this? This is Crystal, our surrogate mother.

Crystal: Waaaazup?

Judy: You see, I can’t have children…without getting bad stretch marks.

Pelosi: You are also in our thoughts and prayers.

Pelosi: This is Herbert and Marion Sandler. Tell us your story.

Herbert Sandler: My wife and I had a company which aggressively marketed subprime mortgages, and then bundled them into securities to sell to banks such as Wachovia. Today, our portfolio is worth almost nothing — though at one point, it was worth close to $19 billion.

Pelosi: My God. I am so sorry. Were you able to sell it for anything.

Herbert Sandler: Yes, for $24 billion.

Pelosi: I see. So in that sense, you’re not so to speak, actual victims.

Herbert Sandler: (chuckling)--Oh, no. That would be Wachovia Bank.

Marion Sandler: Actually, we’ve done quite well. We’re very happy.

Herbert Sandler: We were sort of wondering why you asked us to come today.

Marion Sandler: Anyway, it’s delightful to see you, Nancy. (Kisses Pelosi.)

Herbert Sandler: And thank you, Congressman Frank, as well as many Republicans for helping block Congressional oversight of our corrupt activities.

Frank: Not at all. Let me say something else here. You know, many of you are probably wondering, “Where will that $700 billion missing from our economy go?” To help answer that, let me introduce our good friend, billionaire hedge fund manager, George Soros.

Soros: So what became of zat $700 beellion dollars? Well, basically it belongs to me, now. Actually, it’s not even dollars anymore, but Swiss franks, since I have taken a short position against the dollar.

Bush: Oh, really. That’s not good.

Soros: You’re not to speak. I don’t like you.
Yes, uh, zee U.S. dollar will have to be devalued sometime next week. Either Tuesday or Wednesday. I haven’t decided wheech yet. It will depend on how I feel.

Frank: Thank you very much, Mr. Soros. You’re a great man.

Soros: Could I just add that even though you know what’s coming, you won’t be able to do anything about it.

Pelosi: You’re a wise man, Mr. Soros. And a powerful one.

Frank: You are better than us.

Soros: (pointing to Anne Hathaway character)--Your wife is physically attractive. Sell her to me, please.

Greg and Judy: Sure. Ok.

Announcer: We’ll now leave this press conference and join a discussion of Sen. McCain’s foreign policy positions already in progress. Gov. Palin is about to say something embarrassing.

THE END




Hey SNL by the way...Welcome Back!

Tina Fey as Sarah Palin nails it again on "Saturday Night Live" Debate skit

Highlights from the VP Debate Sketch:

QUEEN LATIFAH AS GWEN IFILL: “Good evening, I’m Gwen Ifill and welcome to Washington University in St. Louis Missouri to the first and only 2008 Vice Presidential Debate between the Republican nominee, Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska, and the Democratic nominee, Joe Biden of Delaware. Let’s welcome the candidates.”

TINA FEY AS GOV. SARAH PALIN: “Can I call you, ‘Joe?’”

JASON SUDEIKIS AS SEN. JOE BIDEN: “Of course.”

FEY AS PALIN: “OK, ‘cause I practiced a couple of zingers where I call you Joe.”

LATIFAH AS IFILL: “Now tonight’s discussion will cover a wide range of topics including domestic and foreign policy matters. Each candidate will have 90 seconds to respond to a direct question and then an additional two minutes for rebuttal and follow-up. As moderator, I will not ask any follow-up questions beyond ‘do you agree?’ or ‘your response?’ so as not to appear biased for Barack Obama in light of my new book (holding up book) ‘The Breakthrough: Politics of Race in the Age of Obama,’ coming out on inauguration day and available for pre-order on Amazon.com. And finally, we would like to remind our audience that due to the historically low expectations for Governor Palin, were she simply to do an adequate job tonight, and at no point cry, faint, run out of the building or vomit you should consider the debate a tie. Alright, let’s begin. Senator Biden, how, as Vice President would you work to shrink the gap of polarization that has sprung up in Washington?

SUDEIKIS AS BIDEN: “Well, I would do what I have done my whole career, whether it’s been dealing with violence against women or putting 100,000 police officers in the streets. I would reach across the aisle. Like I’ve done with so many members of the other party. Members like John McCain. Because look, I love John McCain. He is one of my dearest friends. But at the same time, he’s also dangerously unbalanced. I mean, let’s be frank, John McCain—and again, this is a man I would take a bullet for—is bad at his job and mentally unstable. As my mother would say, ‘God love him, but he’s a raging maniac...’ and a dear, dear friend.”

LATIFAH AS IFILL: “Governor Palin. How will your administration deal with the current financial crisis?”

FEY AS PALIN: “Well first of all, let me say how nice it is to meet Joe Biden. And may I say, up close your hair plugs don’t look nearly as bad as everyone says. You know, John McCain and I, we’re a couple of mavericks. And gosh darnit, we’re gonna take that maverick energy right to Washington and we’re gonna use it to fix this financial crisis and everything else that’s plaguin’ this great country of ours.”

LATIFAH AS IFILL: “How will you solve the financial crisis by being a maverick?”

FEY AS PALIN: “You know we’re gonna take every aspect of the crisis and look at it and then we’re gonna ask ourselves, ‘what would a maverick do in this situation?’ And then, you know, we’ll do that.” (SHE winks.)

LATIFAH AS IFILL: “Senator Biden, how would your administration address the current financial crisis?”

SUDEIKIS AS BIDEN: “Barack Obama and I understand that we need to regulate Wall Street. John McCain voted against Wall Street regulation 41 times. Let me repeat that. 41 times! And again, this is a man I love. If I had to spend the rest of my life on a desert island with only one other person it would be John McCain—no doubt about it. I mean, you should see the way my face lights up when he walks into a room. But the fact is, John McCain has voted with George Bush ninety percent of the time, let me say that again: time.”

LATIFAH AS IFILL: “Governor Palin, would you like to respond to Senator Biden’s comments about Senator McCain?”

FEY AS PALIN: “No thank you, but I would like to talk about bein’ an outsider. You see while Senator Biden has been in Washington all these years I’ve been with regular people. Hockey moms and Joe Six-packs I’d also like to give a shout out to the third graders of Gladys Woods Elementary who were so helpful to me in my debate prep. Also too, you see, I think a bit differently from an insider. I don’t think it’s patriotic to pay more taxes. I don’t think it’s patriotic to criticize these wars we got goin’ on. I do think it’s patriotic to tell the government, ‘Hey get outta my way! Stop tryin’ to impose on my right to shoot wolves from a helicopter.’ But a Washington insider like Joe Biden probably disagrees.”

SUDEIKIS AS BIDEN: “You know I get a little tired of being told I’m an insider. I come from Scranton, Pennsylvania and that’s as hardscrabble a place as you’re gonna find. I’ll show you around some time and you’ll see. It’s a hellhole. An absolute jerkwater of a town. You couldn’t stand to spend a weekend there. It is just an awful, awful sad place filled with sad desperate people with no ambition. Nobody, and I mean nobody, but me has ever come out of that place. It’s a genetic cesspool. So don’t be telling me that I’m part of the Washington elite because I come from the absolute worst place on Earth: Scranton, Pennsylvania. And Wilmington, Delaware is not much better.”

LATIFAH AS IFILL: “Senator Palin. Address your position on global warming and whether you think it’s man-made or not.”

FEY AS PALIN: “Gwen, we don’t know if this climate change hoozie-what’s-it is man-made or if it’s just a natural part of the ‘End of Days.’ But I’m not gonna talk about that I would like to talk about taxes, because with Barack Obama, you’re gonna be paying higher taxes. But not with me and my fellow maverick. We are not afraid to get maverick-y in there and ruffle feathers and not got to allow that. And also, too, the great Ronald Reagan.”

LATIFAH AS IFILL: “The next question is for you, Senator Biden. Do you support, as they do in Alaska, granting same-sex benefits to couples?”

SUDEIKIS AS BIDEN: “I do. In an Obama-Biden administration same-sex couples would be guaranteed the same property rights, rights to insurance, and rights of ownership as heterosexual couples. There will be no distinction. I repeat, no distinction.”

LATIFAH AS IFILL: “So to clarify, do you support gay marriage, Senator Biden?”
SUDEIKIS AS BIDEN: “Absolutely not. But I do think they should be allowed to visit one another in the hospital and in a lot of ways, that’s just as good, if not better.”

LATIFAH AS IFILL: “Governor Palin. Would you extend same-sex rights to the entire country?”

FEY AS PALIN: “You know I would be afraid of where that would lead. I believe marriage is meant to be a sacred institution between two unwilling teenagers. But don’t think I don’t tolerate gay people. Because I do. I tolerate them with all my heart. And I know quite a few too. Not personally. But I know of them. I’ve seen ‘Ellen.’ Oh, and there was this one girl on my college basketball team. She wasn’t officially ‘a gay,’ but, you know, we were pretty sure.”

LATIFAH AS IFILL: “Governor Palin, what is your position on Healthcare regulation?”

FEY AS PALIN: “I’m gonna ignore that question and instead talk about Israel. I love Israel so much. Bless its heart. There’s a special place for Israel in heaven. And I know some people are going to say I’m only saying that to pander to Florida voters, but from a very young age, my two greatest loves were always Jews and Cuban food.”

LATIFAH AS IFILL: “I would now like to give each of you a chance to make a closing statement.”

FEY AS PALIN: : (holding flute): Oh, are we not doing the talent portion?

(FEY AS PALIN plays flute, winks)

(LATIFAH AS IFILL stares)

LATIFAH AS IFILL: “Senator Biden, your closing statement?”

SUDEIKIS AS BIDEN: “My goal tonight was a simple one. To come up here and at no point seem like a condescending, egomaniacal bully, and I’m gonna be honest, I think I nailed it. Sure there were moments when I wanted to say, ‘Hey, this lady is a dummy!’ But I didn’t. Because Joe Biden is better than that. I repeat Joe Biden is better than that (pointing at FEY/PALIN). So to all of the pundits who said I would seem cocky or arrogant. You dopes got schooled Biden-style.”

LATIFAH AS IFILL: “Governor Palin?”

FEY AS PALIN: “I liked being here tonight answering these tough questions without the filter of the mainstream gotcha media with their ‘follow-up questions,’ ‘fact-checking’ or ‘incessant need to figure out what your words mean and why ya put them in that order.’ I’m happy to be speaking directly to the American people to let them know if you want an outsider who doesn’t like politics as usual or pronouncin’ the “g” and the end of words she’s sayin’ I think you know who to vote for. Oh, and for those Joe Six-packs out there playing a drinking game at home—Maverick.”

LATIFAH AS IFILL: “Well, this concludes tonight’s debate. The book drops November 4, and Live From New York...It’s Saturday Night!

"You Betcha!"

A phrase that can be translated into the following...

1- "Yes"
2- "I agree"
3- "You sound like you know more then I do"
4- "You're wrong, but I'll make you feel better about it"
5- "If not more"
6- "You're annoying"

Example:

1- "And would you like fries with that?" You Betcha
2- "This weather could be worst." You Betcha
3- "...therefore those chemicals cannot be mixed." You Betcha
4- "Our neighbor is one of them gay guys, I think, don't cha know." You Betcha
5- "We got at least three feet of snow." You Betcha
6- "Oh my god, I was like, no way, and he was like, way." You Betcha

Bailout 101